


Fight Those Demons

by Luciferine



Series: Straight on 'Til Morning [5]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Compliant to First Game Only, ELLIE IS ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER WITH EMOTIONS THAN JOEL, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, JOEL IS BAD WITH EMOTIONS, Nightmares, Written Prior to Sequel Release, and a shitload of other stuff, christ i did not sign up for this level of angst, ellie/joel if you kinda squint, read the warnings on the chapters, reference to attempted sexual assault, reference to suicide, still iffy enough that you can take it any way you like, warning for david
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-21 09:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferine/pseuds/Luciferine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the SOTM series. A collection of EllieandJoel's worst nightmares while at the dam, and the aftermath. Warnings and ratings will vary chapter to chapter. Ellie/Joel, whichever way you choose to read it. CHAPTER THREE IS UP AND EDITED!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Red Hands'. Joel dreams of his past. The best way to always remember something is to want to forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Welcome to the first chapter of 'Fight Those Demons', AKA the Nightmare Fic! For those of you who are new here, this is the newest installment in the SOTM (Straight On 'Til Morning) Series, which is basically my take on what happens of the end of 'The Last of Us'. For previous installments, go to my profile if you're on , or just click on the series title, if you're on AO3. Warnings for this one include: descriptions of violence, angst like fucking whoa, and Joel being A FUCKING MORON. I swear, why Ellie puts up with that man I'll never know. EMOTIONS, SIR. BE BETTER WITH THEM.

He doesn't know where he is. He's on a road. Standing? No. In a car. Tommy's yelling some- Wait. Tommy. Tommy's car from Before. But that doesn't make any sense… There's a family on the side of the road. Everything's chaos. Everything's burning. Oh god oh god what's happening?

Tommy doesn't stop the car. Did they know those people? Joel can't remember. He doesn't think they did, but- Sarah's asking him something. Sarah. She's alive? He should be happier why isn't he happier but he has a horrible feeling that something's going to happen, something bad and Sarah's asking something like "Shouldn't we stop?" or "Shouldn't we help them?" he can't remember what she said what the fuck did she say oh god those poor people what have I do-

He's in the Boston QZ. It's abandoned, ruined. Like it was when he passed through it with Ellie. Ellie. Where's Ellie? Why isn't she here oh god did something happen fuck he needs to find her what if the Fireflies-

The QZ is brand-new. The military have just set it up. They're yelling orders at civilians and each other. Tommy is with him. Wait, isn't he supposed to be older? Or younger? He can't remember… Tommy's cussing a blue streak as a soldier beats some poor bastard.

For what? Standing out of line? Talking too loud? Joel doesn't know. He doesn't care. Fuck, where's Ellie? Wait. That doesn't make sense. Ellie was never here. He's not supposed to know who she is yet. Is he? What the fuck is-

Tommy is yelling in his sleep again. His little brother always has bags under his eyes nowadays. He's awake now. He's saying something. Joel can't hear him. It's like he's underwater. Wait. Yes he can. He can hear. "We're hurtin' people, Joel. I never wanted to hurt nobody…" and "We're fucking criminals, brother. We've killed people, God forgive me. I've killed people…" No.

He's wrong. It's just survival. You do whatever you can. Right? Bodies. So many bodies. Never in cold blood. They never hurt anyone for no reason. Right? "I was tryin' to keep us alive!" "I've got nothing but nightmares from those years!" Wait. Did they say that? Not at the same time. He doesn't think. God forgive me, I've killed people…

"Do you even remember the first person you killed?" That's Tommy. Isn't it? It sounds like him. Wait, no… It sounds like… No. He doesn't remember. There were so many. People trying to steal their ration cards, their guns, thugs who jumped them in alleys… But they weren't thugs. They were just people. Scared and hungry and desperate. But he didn't have a choice. Survival… Whatever you can…God forgive me…

He's staring into a mirror. Wait. That's not him. But it is. Twenty years younger and without a single death to his name. Suddenly, he's watching the scene unfold. Like he's someone else. Both versions of him facing off.

"Sarah, go inside," the younger him says, and suddenly she's there but no that doesn't make sense she wasn't there a second ago and she's looking at him like he's something to be afraid of and no he'd never hurt her- "Who are you?" Wait. What? He's him. Isn't he? They're the same person. Sarah's standing behind the him who isn't him and he feels very alone he's all alone why is it always-

"I'm you."

"No, you're not. Not even in my worst nightmare. You're a monster," And fuck, it's true. Twenty years ago he never would have thought- There really is a mirror, now. He's his present self. Except he's not. Does he really look like that? There's blood spattered all over his shirt and his revolver and his eyes what the fuck when did they get that look and fuck. His hands are red and it can't be blood there's so much of it-

There was a play he had to do in high school one time, something by Shakespeare he can't remember but he remembers a woman who scrubbed at her hands to get the blood off but it never came off and that's how he feels like he'll never be clean of it again. Is that really him? "Who are you?"

"I'm you," the reflection says. He's shaking.

"Not even in-" he starts to say, tries to say, but all that comes out is, "I know." Of course that's him who else would it be? Scarier things than wild animals and Infected, scarier things indeed… Humans. People. People like him. He's just as bad as a Clicker or a Bloater, he's worse. Because he knows what he's doing. Always did. He's worse he's worse he's worse and then he's there again, Joel from Before, and Sarah is there and Tommy and Tess and Marlene everyone he's ever hurt, ever killed, ever lost, and they're all saying the same thing over and over again; monster, monster, monster, you're a-

He aims at the mirror and pulls the trigger. It shatters. He's back in the QZ with Tommy. Something's happened. Something terrible. He feels it in his bones and he's nearly choking with it oh god what is it he's never felt anything like this make it stop please god make it stop-

"She's just a kid, Joel, she was just a kid!" Tommy's nearly catatonic. Why's he so upset? His arm's still extended, and he realizes he just shot something. Someone. But no wait it was a mirror he hit the mirror. Didn't he? And then he knows. He knows and he doesn't want to look oh god don't make me look I'll do anything don't let it be-

Ellie.

There's so much blood so much fucking blood how is there that much blood it can't be possible it's coming from everywhere and staining her clothes and has her hair always been that bright a red? He didn't. It wasn't him. Couldn't be him. But he's holding the gun and she's clutching her chest and no no no no he was supposed to find her but no not like this nononononononononononono-

"We need those ration cards, Tommy." He's talking but it's not him it can't be him it's the man from the mirror it's not him it's- I know. It is. Of course it is.

"You didn't have to shoot her!" And Mirror Joel snorts.

"Survival of the fittest, little brother." He aims the gun again and he's trying to fight it oh god no no no not at her aim it at him at his own fucking head how's he supposed to live with this oh god Ellie and she's coughing up blood and clinging to life because she's a survivor dammit he knows that oh god why this doesn't make any sense let him die let him die oh god no

and she's looking up at him and her eyes are fading and no that's not right Ellie's eyes are always bright, always alive oh god stop this take him instead please she's done nothing wrong

and he's gonna pull the trigger he can feel it and he's trying to scream trying to do something but he can't he can't and she opens her mouth and she barely has any breath left but just before the final shot he hears her gasp out

"Monster."

BANG.

********************************************************

"Joel!" a voice fairly screams. He wrenches out of whatever hell he was just in. "Joel, it's okay. It's okay. It was just a dream." The voice is panicked, but attempting calm. It sounds like Ellie. Everything comes crashing back. Oh god no please he can't handle it make it stop. He shakes his head, trying to clear it. It's dark. There's pressure on his chest. "Joel, please. You're scaring me." He becomes aware of hands clutching his own. "Please…" His eyes adapt to the slivers of light in the room. He sees terrified green eyes searching his face. "It was just a bad dream…"

"Ellie." He's groggy and disoriented and nothing makes sense but she's alive oh god it's impossible but she is she's warm and real and sitting on him for some reason and he reaches out a palm to touch her cheek and it's wet has she been crying thank god she's okay. Just a dream, she said. Just a horrible dream. He wants to hold her and never let go oh god he thought he'd lost her… Then the particular details of that dream come crashing down on him. "Get off." He says, and his throat feels like it's constricting and he can't breathe she shouldn't be touching him he's dangerous oh god-

"Joel?" Her voice is confused and hurt and he can hear the tears in it. His heart clenches. She shouldn't be allowed to be around him all he does is hurt and destroy and kill she shouldn't be…

"Get off, Ellie." His voice comes out harsher than he wants it to. She scrambles off of him immediately, hands retracting from his like she's been burned.

"I'm… I'm sorry," she says, and even in the dark he can see she's shaking, holding back more tears. "You were thrashing around and you sounded like you were hurt and I was worried you'd hurt yourself and you wouldn't stop moving so I tried to hold you down until I could wake you up I'm really sorry I won't do it again." She rambles, voice uncharacteristically quiet and subdued. He swears under his breath. He's hurting her without even trying.

"I could have hurt you," he says gruffly, sitting up and resting his head in his hands. "What if I'd lashed out at you? Hit you?" he grinds out.

"You'd never hurt me," she says, voice suddenly stronger, like it's a fact, like the sun rises and sets, there's twelve months in a year, and Joel would never lay a hand on Ellie. He snorts. Yeah, right. He can feel her flinch at that. He expects her to retreat to her cot, to not talk to him anymore. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels his cot sag slightly as she sits on it. "I know what you're doing," she says quietly. "And it's not going to work. I'm sitting right here until you talk to me about whatever the fuck that was, or you fall asleep again." Her voice is like steel, and though he can still hear the smallest shake in it, he knows she won't be swayed. Still, he tries.

"It was nothin'. Go back to bed."

"Joel…" She puts a hand on his shoulder. He flinches with his entire body.

"Don't," he growls. He doesn't even want to look at her because he knows what he'll see in her face, and it'll kill him. But how can he explain? That it's for her sake? That he's trying to protect her from the one person she's too trusting to ever defend herself from?

"Okay," she says, voice soothing. "I won't touch you." And that doesn't make sense, he's the adult here, he should be talking her down from a ledge, but instead the roles are reversed and fuck when did his life get so complicated. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly. He can feel the warmth radiating from her, wants nothing more than to lie down and go back to sleep with her curled up beside him. It's a physical ache, to be so close with no actual contact. He hates himself for needing that. For needing her. Especially when it puts her in danger.

"No," he responds, voice quiet but firm. "Go. To. Sleep."

"As soon as you do," she assures him. Frustration bubbles up in him like lava and he really wants to fucking throw something. He grabs his pillow and chucks it as violently as he can into the nearest wall. It makes a noise that is nowhere near as satisfying as he'd like, but it relieves the tension slightly.

"Do whatever the hell you want, kid. Just leave me the fuck alone while you're doin' it." He mine as well have punched her in the stomach. He can hear the quick intake of breath, feel her recoil. He stares resolutely at the wall, clutching the sides of the cot so hard he's surprised it doesn't rip, to prevent himself from looking when she gets up. It hurts like hell, forcing her away like that. He clenches his teeth. Monster, monster, monster…

He's toeing a line, he knows that. Hell, maybe he's already crossed it. They're everything to each other, and he's driving a massive wedge between them. EllieandJoel… Just Ellie and Joel. And that hurts worse than anything he's ever felt, except thinking she was dead. And that's what makes him keep his mouth shut instead of throwing himself on his knees and begging forgiveness. Even if it was just a dream, even if it never happened, the thought was there. And there was a time in his life where he could have done it. He doesn't trust himself to stake Ellie's life on believing he'll never go back to that ever again.

Should he leave? She's safe enough here. Between Tommy and Doc and Maria and Babs she has plenty of people to look out for her. But the idea of leaving her… Even if she wanted him gone, even if she hated him, it would still feel like he was being ripped in half. He feels like that now, like he's being slowly torn down the middle. Between what's best for Ellie and what they both want. He buries his face in his hands again, feeling his eyes get hot. Fuck, he really wants to cry.

"You can't make me hate you," she says softly, like she's read his fucking mind. "You can be as mean as you want and you can throw whatever you want, but you can't make me hate you. You've lied to me and tried to ditch me and you've been so fucking righteous about thinking you know what's best for me and had the fucking audacity to nearly die on me a billion times, and I still don't hate you.

"There's nothing you can do, okay? You're stuck with me. I don't have anyone else. Neither of us does. And I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone else." She laughs, a bitter, self-deprecating thing that makes her sound ancient. "In every fucking universe, no matter how different everything else is, it's always gonna be you, okay? Even if the Infection didn't happen, even if Marlene hadn't hired you and Tess, even if we were on fucking opposite sides of the galaxy, it would still be you.

"So just… Keep that in mind. Whatever it is you're trying to do, just remember that." She exhales heavily, like she's just removed a huge weight from her shoulders. "I'll leave you alone now." He hears her shift on her cot. There's a lump in his throat the size of a fucking Bloater. He can't… How is he supposed to… Ah, fuck it.

"I hurt you," he says softly, lifting his head from his hands but keeping his eyes closed. "In the dream. I didn't… I mean… I shot at somethin' else. Myself, actually." He has to laugh at the irony of that. It's not a happy laugh by any means. In trying to destroy himself he ended up killing Ellie. That's some fucking poetry worthy of Doc's pretentious collection. "But then everythin' changed and it was you bleedin' out on the ground and I was there, but I was watchin' at the same time and the one who pulled the trigger didn't care that you were hurt but the me who was watchin' sure as hell did and…" He heaves out a heavy breath. He opens his eyes when he hears movement, sees her sit up. "This might take a while." He warns softly. Her smile lights up the dim room.

"I've got all the time in the world," she promises. So he tells her. Everything. She listens silently the entire time.

"They were right," he says quietly when he finishes. "About me. There ain't no good left in me, Ellie. I'm-"

"If you call yourself... _that_ , I'll deck you," she threatens. He lets out a surprised snort.

" _That_? You swear like a goddamn sailor and you draw your line at the word 'monster'?" he asks, incredulous and slightly amused.

"I don't want to hear you use it," she whispers fiercely. "Ever. At least, in relation to yourself," she says. "Because it's not true. You're an emotionally constipated asshole with some serious issues, but never… that. I know bad. I've seen bad and killed bad. And you're not bad." Her voice is quieter now, but still strong. He feels the emotion behind it, knows she believes it to be as true as anything. He stays silent. She sighs. "You don't believe it, do you?" she asks.

"No," he admits. Another sigh.

"Can I come over there, or will you growl at me again?" she asks. He grimaces slightly, holding out his hand. She makes a happy little noise and takes it. She curls up against his side and he can't help the sigh of relief. "We can work on it," she tells him, seeming to have already decided the matter. "In the meantime, you've got me. Even if you think stupid shit about yourself, I'll be here to smack some sense into you." He chuckles into her hair and twines a piece of it around his finger.

"I guess there's no way to convince you that you should definitely not have anythin' to do with me?" he asks. She fixes him a look that questions his sanity. He expected as much. "I'm sorry about… You know," he says gruffly. "It killed me, sayin' those things. Which isn't any excuse, I know, but… I'm sorry. For whatever that's worth." Her response is to press closer to him, which he thinks means he's forgiven. She yawns.

"Do you need to talk more, or can I sleep?" she asks groggily. It's still very late –or very early, he's not sure which- and he nods.

"Go ahead," he says softly. He's not entirely surprised when she flops down completely onto his cot. He smiles to himself, grabbing the tossed pillow and lying down beside her.

"Wake me if you have another nightmare," she tells him, eyes already more than half shut. He ducks his head slightly, swallowing back an emotion he won't name.

"Yeah," he says. She seems satisfied with that. He's stunned by this girl. By the faith she has in him. He doesn't deserve her, will never deserve her even if he tries for a thousand years, but for some unfathomable reason she thinks he does. And she's completely refused to go anywhere unless it's at his side. And that…

He doesn't know what to do with that. But he's not going to push her away if she doesn't want to be pushed away. Even if he's bad for her, even if she should be as far from him as possible, well. Joel's fucking selfish. He'll keep her as long as she wants to stay.

Ellie's breathing evens out, and he feels sleep tugging at him. He gets comfortable, holding back a laugh when Ellie turns, arms nearly smacking him in the face. The girl sleeps like a fucking starfish, he swears. She still has his hand tangled with hers, and he squeezes gently, thinking about her earlier words. No matter what, in every fucking universe, it's always gonna be you… He sobers up at that. He's not good with this stuff. He can't… He can't process all of what he's feeling. But he tries.

"I reckon it'll always be you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Angst. So much angst. Joel you idiot. Just. Ugh. Happy-ish ending, I guess, even though Joel's still convinced he's a terrible person. But that's why we have Ellie. She's there to smack him upside the head when we can't. Hope you guys liked this one. It was a bitch to write. I had to delete a full thousand words and write a crappy drabble before I could actually get down to it. The nightmare was definitely a beast of a different kind. I'm actually still shaking a little bit. For those of you who're curious about the timeline for this one, I imagine it being set right before 'Brother Dearest', where Joel and Tommy finally have their heart-to-heart as a result of this terrible terrible night. So. As usual, any clarifications or desire for extra tidbits, hit me up in my inbox. I own nothing but what I own. Also, I might be posting more drabbles on my Tumblr just because it's quick and easy, so I highly suggest you all check it if you want to read updates, random fluffy drabbles that have nothing to do with anything, and my general freak-outs about writing. Love you guys, talk soon!


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally titled 'Winter's Bones'. Ellie dreams of winter. Some wounds don't heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: A few quick things. For the people who asked, I want to clarify that FTD isn't actually chronological, and there could be large stretches of time between each nightmare. For the most part, they'll have a similar structure: nightmare, then aftermath. Basically my way of stretching my angst muscles while also delving into the characters' psyches a bit. I'm gonna say this chapter might be leaning towards the M side. Warnings for: attempted sexual assault, reference to attempted sexual assault, descriptions of violence that may be graphic for some readers, reference to suicide and some strange implied possible future suicide pact how do you even, unintentional self-harm, major angst, David because he needs a warning all of his own, and basically EllieandJoel being actually terrifyingly dangerously co-dependant. READ THE NOTE AT THE BOTTOM!

She wakes up somewhere familiar. She feels something like lead settle in the pit of her stomach. Familiar. Why familiar? It's a room. A small room. No. Not really. A cage? Cages are all bars, aren't they? A cell, then. Why is she in a cell? That doesn't make… The only time she's ever been in a cell was when-

No. Oh god oh god oh god no it can't she's not she got out she fought her way out she killed the bastard she can't be back and her heart is pounding and panic is choking her because she knows she knows how this ends and oh god no she can't do that again it can't oh _god_ there has to be

A way out. There has to be. She tries to get up tries to move tries to look but it's like she's been drugged like her whole body has already given up and no no no this isn't what happens this isn't right why can't she move and the walls are closing in she can feel it feel the air getting squeezed from her lungs get her out of here why can't she

Scream. She wants to she feels it bubbling up inside of her but she can't make a sound and she's watching herself just fucking lying there and she's angry and ashamed because she has to move why doesn't she fucking move do something why are you so fucking useless just move just fucking move before

Footsteps. They're far away but she feels them they're pounding in her head she doesn't have time she needs time just give her time before- No don't think about it Ellie don't think about it think about getting out you can do this don't think don't remember just get out don't

Remember. She does oh god she does and she hates herself for it why can't she fucking forget why is she so fucking weak so fucking stupid such a fucking coward what would Joel think of you now-

Joel. Where's Joel she has to find him something's wrong she has to find him she has to get out why are those fucking footsteps so loud oh god she's scared oh god oh god- No. Stop it. Just fucking stop it. She has to find Joel. She has to get out of here and find him or find him and get out she can't remember which she doesn't care why won't those fucking footsteps shut up why are they so loud why are they

Quiet. Complete and utter quiet. Get up get up go you have to go you have to run before he

"Found you." A strange, unsettling clarity comes over her as she hears the turning of a lock and realizes she couldn't have run even if she could move. She doesn't want to look but her body isn't her own doesn't feel like her own and she looks at him and he looks… normal. That's what always made him terrifying he looks normal and unsuspecting because they all look like that all the monsters she's ever met the real ones not the Infected but the real human ones never do never look like what they are and it's so hard to see but she should've she fucking should've why didn't-

She sees something. Dangling from his hand and that's not right that shouldn't be there but what is it why isn't he talking what's-

"This? Don't you recognize it? Got it off a friend of yours." His voice is calm and steady like he's having a normal conversation and she hates him she hates him and he lifts whatever it is up for her to see and

Joel's watch. His stupid fucking watch that's busted and he carries around all the time the one he never takes off no matter what why does he have it why would he have it unless

He has Joel. The weight of it is crushing her she can't she can't no anything but that anything but that and now she's angry she's furious how fucking dare he it doesn't work like that he doesn't get to do that he doesn't- "Where is he?" She tries to make it come out strong and loud but all she gets is a whisper and that's not right that's not fair she's trying she's trying so hard but not hard enough never hard enough never good enough she's never good enough and then she can't concentrate anymore because the fucking bastard is laughing at her sorry attempt at interrogation…

"Don't you worry about him, sweetheart." He reaches out and his fingers trail down the side of her face and she wants to bite him she wants him to hurt but she can't move and she's filled with desperation and angry hopelessness and she feels dirty so fucking dirty like she'll never be able to wash the feel of him off if she scrubbed for a hundred years- "Be a good girl and I'll treat you better than he ever could…" And his hand is reaching under her shirt and his face is coming closer to hers and oh god oh god oh god fight back why can't she just fight back and she wants to look away at least but she can't and his eyes his fucking eyes… There's something horrible in them, a perverse sort of want that chokes her because she can feel it, feel that it goes beyond the physical like he wants to break her in every fucking way possible like he wants to see her lose her fucking mind like…

Like he wants to eat her alive. And she remembers the table and the bodies and she remembers Joel and suddenly she can move and she's shoving him off and she's running running running

"Run little rabbit, run!" His voice bounces off the walls and she wants to scream and curl up into a ball and cry for days it's not fair it's not fair why can't he just leave her alone-

She's pitiful. Really, truly pitiful, she thinks. She acts tough, but at the end of the day? She's nothing. She can't even fight off one creepy old guy. She deserves whatever she gets. She shakes her head, trying to clear it and then there's a door and she wants to scream she's so relieved and then she's inside and it's dark so dark and it smells disgusting but at least she's safer she can find Joel's it'll be okay, they'll be okay they always are but fuck the smell is strong it smells like-

Blood. Old blood. And she can see now, and there are bodies everywhere hanging from hooks in the ceiling and she chokes on a scream because they're not just bodies oh god she knows these faces no it's not possible no-

Riley. Tess. Henry. Sam. Marlene. All dead with their throats torn open or holes in their heads and there's so much fucking blood and she's sorry she's so sorry I wanted to save you, she thinks, I tried I tried so hard but it's never good enough I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and she just wants to give up it's too hard much too hard she's not strong enough she's never been strong enough please and then she's running again and she can hear them all of them they're blaming her "It's all your fault." And, "Why didn't you save us?" and she tried she tried please forgive me I tried-

Everything shifts around her so quickly her stomach turns and suddenly she's facing the cell and he's still there waiting like he has all the time in the world and there's no way out there can't be a way out she'll be stuck here for as long as he wants to keep her as a pet she'll only get out when she's dead oh god please-

The table isn't empty. It was empty when she left. It isn't empty now. She stares because she can't do anything else and she sees well-worn boots and jeans nearly tearing at the seams and… a faded plaid shirt. Joel. Panic claws up her throat and she's shaking so hard her teeth are chattering nonononono oh god no anything but this anyone but him oh god no-

"He's not dead yet," David –she hasn't thought his name until now and she's revolted at the very sound of it in her head- says soothingly and she knows she knows something is wrong this isn't right he must want something what does he- "You," he says simply, finishing off her own thought for her and he was in her fucking head he's fucking everywhere she's never going to be able to get him out and- Wait. What did he say? "I want you. Stay with me here and I'll let him go." She's not nearly as surprised as she should be and there's a moment where she considers it a moment where she almost believes him but she looks at Joel and his face is pale and drawn and his eyes are closed, there's blood staining the side of his shirt and it's the wound from the university oh fuck and she knows right then that David won't let him go won't let either of them go but if she doesn't try she'll hate herself and-

He's in front of her now and he's pressing her up against the wall and she can't react she's so fucking numb because she's fucking failed again Joel is dying like everyone else and he wasn't supposed to die he wasn't supposed to and like every other fucking thing in her life it's all her fault she could have stopped it if she'd been a little bit smarter a little bit faster and his hands are slipping under her shirt and she's so fucking exhausted all of a sudden like everything she's been through has come back full force to weigh her down and she doesn't even have the energy to fight and she hates herself hates herself for being weak for not being able to fight back and she tastes bile at the back of her throat oh god just make it stop it can't get any-

Worse. It does. Joel opens his eyes. Sees her. Sees David's hands all over her and she sees the horror on Joel's face and please don't look don't look that just makes it so much fucking worse oh god please don't look and David notices of course he fucking does and he fucking laughs and leans in close to whisper in her ear,

"Do you think he'll still want you around after I ruin you?" His hand trails down her face and she tries and fails not to shake with the fury and disgust of it all and his words she doesn't want to hear them just shut up shut up- "I don't think he will. Then again, you're damaged goods already, aren't you? He's had you already, hasn't he? All those long, lonely months on the road, all those nights… I suppose any warm body would do, but a pretty little thing like you? Well. More tempting than most. I just don't see how any man with blood left in his body could resist. We're not as different as you'd like to think, him and I…" That's what does it, in the end because as much as she doubts herself as much as she blames herself there is one fucking thing she's sure of and that's Joel and how fucking dare this slimy fucker compare them like that he's not even a fraction of the man Joel is they are nothing absolutely nothing alike how fucking dare he imply that Joel would ever hurt her like that and that righteous all-encompassing anger is what gives her the strength to shove him off.

"He. Is. Nothing. Like. You." The words come out halted and choppy, like she hasn't spoken for years, but she says them with conviction, like it's the only true thing left and fuck maybe it is and for a moment she thinks this might against all odds turn out okay and then-

He's off of her, migrating to the other side of the room and suddenly there's something glinting in his hand and wait that doesn't make sense what is that-

It's only when he's raised it right above Joel's throat that she recognizes the cleaver and she can't fucking move and he brings it down and she can hear it slicing through the air and

she

screams.

*********************************************

"Ellie!" There's a terrifying moment when she thinks she's still there in that horrible place, that her name is the last thing Joel said before- She feels another scream building up because oh god oh god he can't be he can't be… But then she becomes aware of her surroundings; she's home, she's okay, and more importantly, she realizes with no small amount of relief, Joel's okay. Well. 'Okay' in the sense that he's not dead. He's kneeling on her cot, one hand on her shoulder. Even in the minimal light she can see he looks absolutely terrified. She's never seen that expression on him before. She doesn't like it.

"I'm… I'm fine," she manages, still breathing heavily from the dream. Just a dream. Nothing to wuss out over, Ellie. Calm the fuck down. Joel makes a disbelieving sound.

"You are definitely not fine," he mutters as she sits up, moving to sit beside her. "You… You fucking screamed, Ellie. I thought… I don't even know what I thought. Fuck." He exhales shakily, running a hand through his hair, and she realizes that waking up to that might fuel his nightmares for the next few nights. As if he didn't have enough. Guilt sits heavy in her gut.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. He shoots her a startled look.

"What the hell are you sayin' sorry for?" he asks, confused. "I'm the one that should be sorry. I shoulda woken up before…" He trails off.

"You were tired. It's not your fault I had a nightmare." She knows for a fact that he spent his day helping Tommy around the town. Of course he was tired by the time he finally got home. Her voice is shaky as hell, and she grits her teeth. Why can't she just get it together? So fucking useless, just like she was in the winter… So fucking weak… She digs her nails into her arm. No wonder David was able to get the drop on her so easily. She's yanked from her thoughts by Joel's hand tearing her own away from her arm. There's a sudden, sharp pain and she winces.

"What the hell are you doin'?" he asks, shocked. "Fuck, Ellie. You're bleedin'." He's right. Her nails drew blood. She shrugs.

"Leftover stress, I guess," she mutters. He seems troubled by it, hand resting on her arm for a moment to make sure there's no lasting damage, but he stays quiet. They sit in silence for a few moments, both shaken by her dream.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asks her quietly. Despite the situation and the fact her heart feels like it might jump out of her throat, she wants to laugh. Not very long ago, she'd been the one asking that same question. She wonders if this is how Joel felt that night; frightened, embarrassed, vulnerable. If anyone could understand, it would be him. But the very idea of bringing it up, of reliving it again… she doesn't think she can bear it.

It's not just the nightmare running through her head, either. The memories of that horrible winter still haunt her and they're coming back more powerful than ever. She was so lonely, so fucking terrified of ending up alone. And she was so close. So close to losing everything and sometimes she can't believe she was able to escape it all. She'd been so sure Joel was done for… There'd been so much blood and she'd tried, she'd tried so hard but it almost wasn't enough. If she hadn't stumbled across David… If she hadn't shot down that deer… If she hadn't been able to escape… If Joel hadn't been able to hold on… So many 'ifs', all stacked against them. Just a moment's difference could have left her abandoned and Joel… and Joel… Real memories of blood on snow and glassy eyes crash into dreamt memories of butchering tables and a too-sharp cleaver swinging down and no she can't think about it won't think about it the idea of Joel being… not being around just isn't comprehensible to her and suddenly she can't fucking breathe it's like something is crushing her ribs from the inside and she's shaking so hard it feels like she's coming apart and Joel is saying something but she can't hear anything over the dull roar in her ears and-

Joel grabs her arm, jolting her back to the present long enough to grab onto him like a fucking lifeline, like he's the only thing standing between her and the edge of something terrible. She buries her face in the crook of his neck and finally lets herself cry. She doesn't care if she looks weak or stupid doing it. She just needs to let the emotion out. He's completely still for a moment, and she loosens her arms, which are wound so tightly around his neck she's worried they might be choking him. His arms come around her, and he hugs her close. She tries to breathe, tries to calm herself down, but all that comes is more tears and she's not entirely sure that the sounds she's making don't qualify as screams.

"Jesus, Ellie…" Joel sounds about as shaken as she feels. "I… I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it better. Fuck. Please stop cryin'. I'm here, I'm here, it's okay, we're okay." But they're not and they'll never be because even if they're safe, even if they never have to deal with anything that terrible ever again they'll still remember and it's not fucking fair… "How do I make it better? Please. I'll do anythin', just… Please." She's pretty sure she's progressed into full-blown hysterics at this point, and Joel doesn't exactly seem too far behind.

He sounds like he's in pain, and she's got to stop, got to pull herself together because she's hurting him she's hurting Joel she has to stop but she can't she can't she's not strong enough…

"Fuck. Please, Ellie. You're scarin' me." She can hear it in his voice. He sounds terrified, which makes sense because he's never seen her like this. She hasn't ever felt like this. He keeps trying to soothe her but after a while his head falls forward, resting on her shoulder. She's not entirely sure, but she thinks he might be shaking, too. They stay like that for what could be minutes or hours, before he speaks again. "Fuck this. I'm takin' you to Doc. This ain't healthy." That gets her attention, and she forces herself to stop for at least one tiny minute. Doc can't know. He can't. It's bad enough Joel has to see her like this… She feels him shift, starting to get up. She shakes her head as much as she can, given the limited space.

"No. Don't. It's late. Or early. Whatever. You'll wake him up. I'm fine," she says urgently. Joel chokes out a laugh.

"Fine? You're havin' a fucking panic attack! Doc won't mind. And if he does mind, he can take it up with me. This isn't… You're not… I can't just sit here and… Fuck," she can't be sure, but she thinks his voice is cracking. She hasn't heard him this desperate since… since Salt Lake City. Since the hospital. They're both a fucking mess and she doesn't… she can't…

"Don't leave me," she says suddenly, voice thick with tears, grimacing at the desperation in her voice. She doesn't have to see Joel's face to know he's confused as fuck.

"I'm takin' you with me. I ain't leavin' you here alone like this," he says, like it should be obvious. She shakes her head.

"No. Not now. I mean…" she trails off. "Ever. Don't leave. Everyone leaves… Please." She says it so quietly she's not sure he's heard her until she feels him freeze.

"Ellie," he says quietly. "Ellie, look at me." She does. There's a fierce determination in his eyes that startles her. "Never. D'you hear me? I will never leave you. I sw- I promise." He amends, probably remembering the last time he swore something. "I'm here until the day you kick me out. And probably even after, if I'm bein' completely honest." She snorts despite the tears, because that's the stupidest thing he's ever said. Why the hell would she ever make him go? She's not capable of it, she's sure.

"Or until one of us dies," she mutters darkly, returning her head to his shoulder. He tenses.

"Don't," he mutters. "Just… don't."

"You think it too, sometimes. Don't you?" And she doesn't know why she's pressing this when they both clearly don't want to think about it, but she keeps going. "All those close calls… A second here, some back luck there, and we wouldn't be here right now. And tomorrow one of us could die and leave the other alone. Then what? You can't make promises like that because you don't know." She feels a bit calmer, which she thinks is good. She can't stop shaking, though. Joel's silence worries her, and she pulls back to look at him again. He has a faraway look in his eyes, like he's seeing something she isn't.

"D'you remember when we came 'round here after… after the hospital, and Tommy asked me what I would have done if they'd gone through with the procedure?" His voices changes on the last word, saying it almost like a curse. She catches on to his meaning easily enough, and she shudders.

"Yeah." How could she forget?

"Yeah," he echoes. She remembers a conversation they'd had right before being found by the Fireflies, remembers Joel saying he wasn't leaving without her. She realizes, in a sudden moment of clarity, that not leaving without her meant… Well, not leaving at all, if she didn't. She cringes away from the idea as she always does, because Joel dying, even at his own hand, is never something she can process, but all the same she can see the merit to his logic.

"So, that's your big solution. If we gotta go, go at the same time. Or at least as close together as possible." It probably says something about her mental state that this conversation doesn't bother her in the least. If anything, it calms her. He winces, and she can tell he doesn't like the idea of her doing that any more than she does for him. But what's he gonna say? That she'll move on? That she'll be okay without him? He owes her the truth, if nothing else. So she's not surprised when he doesn't say anything to contradict her. She nods to herself. "Yeah. I guess that makes sense."

"Can we not talk about this right now?" he asks quietly. "I don't… Let's just take it one day at a time. No need to think about that stuff before..." He trails off. She nods, and for a while they're silent. She goes back to his shoulder, and he hums something under his breath. She doesn't recognize the tune, but it's soft and pretty. It's comfortable, and Ellie feels her breathing even out. She shuts her eyes for a moment, gathers up her courage.

"I dreamt about… About winter," she whispers softly. The humming stops abruptly. "About David." And she's so fucking proud that her voice doesn't falter, that she doesn't stutter. Joel's whole body tenses and he pulls back from her. For a brief, panicky second, David's words from her dream echo in her head. Do you think he'll still want you around after I ruin you? Fuck she shouldn't have said anything, stupid stupid girl why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut-

"You don't have to tell me if you don't wanna," he says, voice gruff. They never actually talked about what happened in any sort of detail. When they got to safety, Joel checked her over for injuries and patched up what he could. He'd started to ask, eyes averted from her, and she'd cut him off, saying she was fine. There wasn't any other damage, she'd sworn to him, sparing them both a conversation she didn't think they needed to have. She remembers shaking like she is now, remembers Joel pulling her close and whispering words that probably meant nothing but were comforting all the same. She remembers falling asleep like that. The next morning, they kept going. Joel never asked again, and she never offered. 

Until now. She doesn't know what he's thinking. Is he ashamed of her? Angry? Disgusted? Suddenly she feels dirty again, like David's taint is a physical thing that covers her from head to toe, and she's filled with the same sinking feeling that she'll never be able to get it off. Her face burns with shame, and she removes her arms from around his neck. His arms drop from around her waist in less than a second, the immediacy of the action cutting her deep.

"Okay," she says quietly, looking anywhere but at Joel. She wants to say that it wasn't her fault, that she fought back, she really did… But maybe… Maybe that didn't matter? Was it her fault? She didn't know, it's not like she has anyone to ask and fuck she can feel the tears coming again and she forces them down, sticking in her throat. She hears him start to say something, and then cut himself off. She can practically hear the gears turning in his head.

"Wait. What-?" She dares a quick look at him. She expects a lot of things, surprise not being one of them. "Did I say some-" He cuts himself off again, clearly trying to figure it out. He reaches a hand out to her, as if by reflex, before quickly jerking it back. She looks away, biting her lip hard. She notes idly that in her hysteria she scratched her arms again. Deep, bloody welts trail up her arm. It's a good thing she generally wears long sleeves to cover her scar, because she'd have a hard time explaining these to Doc.

"I should have shot him the second I got the medicine," she mutters, partly to herself and partly to Joel. Why she's talking to him when he obviously doesn't want to talk to her, she has no idea. A peace offering, maybe. _I know it was my fault. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me. Please don't leave me._ Even though he'd promised… He could always change his mind. "I was stupid. I should have been smarter about it, and faster. I've taken down more people than I can count and I almost let him- I should've been stronger. I'm never strong enough." She whispers the last part, and she hates herself so much in that moment. She doesn't want to look at Joel. Doesn't want to see the disappointment and god knows what else that will be there.

"Ellie." He fairly growls her name and she tries very hard not to flinch at the anger there. "Tell me you don't actually believe that what happened… That what that bastard… that it was your fault. Give me some other explanation for what you're sayin' because that is the fucking stupidest thing you've ever-" He cuts himself off, and she looks up in time to see his jaw tick out like it does when he's really mad. His eyes meet hers, and she's shocked to see that whatever anger is in them softens when he looks at her. "I need you to listen to me, alright?" She nods. "What happened was not, in any way or form, your fault. You were brave and smart and quick on your feet and if it had been anyone else they definitely wouldn't have made it out of that place. Even if you hadn't been any of that, it still wouldn't have been your fault, d'you hear me? Nothing in the world could justify what he-" He has to stop again, and she slowly begins to realize that the anger, the overwhelming fury, is directed at David and not at her.

"He didn't rape me." They both flinch at the word, but it still had to be said.

"Only 'cause you gave him what he had comin' to him," Joel mutters. "And even if he didn't… He still left a mark. He still hurt you." He curls his hands into fists. "I shoulda gotten there sooner. I wish I had. I swear to God, I'd give almost anythin' for one chance…" For a moment, the anger, the violence, twists his face into something nearly unrecognizable and she can see the man that he's so scared to turn into again. She's not afraid. Not of him. Never of him.

Even if he doesn't believe it, Ellie knows that even if he went completely dark, Joel would never hurt her. And really, there's nothing she'd like more than to unleash him on David. She did the bastard a favor, killing him when she did. Joel would have made it hurt so much more. Crazy man, indeed.

"Why won't you touch me, then? If you're not disgusted with me?" she asks, rubbing her arms as if that will somehow fix her. Somehow rub the filth away.

"Disgus- For fuck's sake, Ellie…" He scrubs a hand over his face. "Of course I'm not disgusted with you. What even… How…" He sighs deeply. "You seemed like you wanted your space. I wasn't gonna keep you trapped like that if you were uncomfortable. Especially consinderin'…" He gestures to signal the topic they're on. "So, I let you go."

"What's that got to do with anything?" she's confused. Joel heaves out another exhale, clearly uncomfortable.

"Because… For the same reason I didn't wanna press you to talk 'bout it. I… First of all, I have no fucking idea how to handle this and the last thing I wanna do is make anythin' worse. 'Sides… I figured you might wanna talk about it with… I dunno. Not me. It's not the type of thing I'd think you'd want to talk about with me. " She stares at him, uncomprehending. He winces. "I'm fucking terrible at this…" he mutters. "I figured… because I'm a guy and since the person who hurt you was too… I just… If you got scared, even for a second, because I was too close or too pushy, I wouldn't be able to handle it, alright? I couldn't handle you bein' afraid of me. It seemed like a good idea at the time." He looks over at her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" He trails off. She stays silent for a moment, thinking.

"He said there wasn't as much of a difference between you and him as I'd like to think. In my dream." Her heart aches at the look on Joel's face, at how he doesn't even make a sound to defend himself. "I told him you were nothing like him. Because you're not. You're the farthest thing from him that could possibly exist. I trust you with my life, so you can hold my fucking hand without worrying about me freaking out on you, okay?" She offers him a weak smile, and the relief in his expression makes her feel a little lighter, but her nightmare still weighs heavily on her. "You should sleep," she tells him. "It'll be daylight soon."

"Think you'll be able to go back to sleep?" he asks. She shakes her head. "Then neither will I." She's too tired to argue, especially with that tone.

She ends up back in his arms, telling him everything. She pauses frequently, particularly concerning her interactions –however imagined they might be, they were still terrifying- with David. Joel tenses at those, and Ellie hopes and prays to whoever's listening that he doesn't think she dreamt those words because she thought for a moment that any of them were true. By the time she's reached the ending, she's shaking again. She's ashamed of the tears, ashamed of showing that weakness. Joel just holds her tighter.

"I'm here. I'm okay. We're okay," he assures her. She doesn't think he knows what else to do. That's okay. "I ain't goin' nowhere, baby girl," he promises. She smiles, but she can feel that it doesn't sit quite right on her face.

"Not without me, anyways."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Alternatively titled, What Happens When Leah Nosedives Into Crazyland. Jesus. Fuck. I would like to dedicate this to Michael7123 who's review said 'I think you can do better' in reference to the angst. To which I reply: ha. Ahaha. Hit that one out of the fucking park. I think the phrase: 'be careful what you wish for' comes into play right about now. I'm a bit frazzled right now. So. Um. Yeah. This is gonna be a long-ass note. At first, I wasn't sure I was ready for any more angst after the first chapter of this. Then I happened to be watching one of my shows and something horrible happened leading to lots of internal angst. And thus the first half of this was written. The rest was the result of a long series of replays of 'You Are My Sunshine' by The Civil Wars, which is not at all as happy as it sounds. I think this one requires some explanation so here we go: it's my headcanon that due to the extraordinary pressures placed on her by PRETTY MUCH FUCKING EVERYONE, Ellie would definitely have a skewered vision of what it means to be strong and useful and whenever she doesn't live up to that. Well. Case in point can be read above. The whole David thing was fucking difficult, OK? Like. Jesus. First of all, I never want to write dialogue with him again because I feel filthy I am so glad he's dead. Second of all, the impact of that whole situation on Ellie was very difficult to portray. I hope I did it justice. Due to what I mentioned previously, I think she'd be more inclined to blame herself for imagined mistakes or flaws in the execution of her escape plan rather than accept that she's not to blame. Which she's not, of course. David was a creepy fucker who had no right to do what he did. But her perception of pretty much everything is skewered in some way or other so. Yeah. As for Joel in this one, I hope I was able to convey how terribly terrible he thinks he is at feelings but when he has to be he's not bad. Basically, he woke up to Ellie yelling her head off –never a good way to wake up, especially if you're Joel- and I think that allowed him to be a bit frazzled and not have all of his usual psychological walls up. Um. There's a lot more I want to say about everything so hit me up with a PM if you're interested but I need to go lie down now because this actually took a lot out of me emotionally. I've never done anything this dark before and. Well. Um. Timeline-wise, if anyone remembers that section of 'Family Ties' where Ellie and Doc have a long chat about how people perceive her relationship with Joel, I imagine this being the night before. This would be the reason she was so upset and basically went a little hysterical at Doc. If I may remind you of her whole mantra of ' he's not he's not he's not' because I feel like the distinction between Joel and David is something very vital in her psyche and when anyone crosses that distinction she kind of flips. IM SUMMATION: These characters are fucking fucked up and I may or may not be crying from exertion. Jesus. I'm not sure if I can survive another chapter, but I might do one more and then an Epilogue, probably with Babs and Doc chewing them both out because YOU KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE THEY COULD HAVE JUST TALKED TO THEM OR SOMETHING ITS NOT LIKE THY HAVE A FAMILY TO TALK TO OR ANYTHING ugh I swear. Anyways. I own nothing but what I own. Talk soon.


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected overnight trip means Joel has to face his demons without Ellie's help. It goes as well as could be expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Warnings: Joel being bad with emotions, trying to deal with his emotions, and failing miserably, as well as mentions/implications of character death and the general nearly obsessive unhealthy devotion that we've come to expect from our favourite badasses. And just, idk man Joel's unhinged I don't even know how to warn you know the drill by now.

His head is spinning there’s a heaviness to his steps that doesn’t make any sense and an urgency buzzing under his skin that he can’t understand he should be doing something he’s here for a reason but what the hell is it he can’t remember can’t think

It feels like he’s been asleep for a long time like he doesn’t remember how to-

Pain. It’s fucking sudden and he nearly stumbles with the force of it his head is throbbing something hit him who the hell…

Wait. That wasn’t now that was before that happened before he was knocked out when… when… when what? It’s important he has to remember or… the urgency is back stronger than before it’s beating in his head like a drum remember remember you have to remember…

He’s standing in a hallway it’s dark and he has the sense that it goes on forever and he’s alone so fucking alone-

Isn’t that normal? He’s always been alone hasn’t he he’s always wanted to be left to his own devices hasn’t he why is he so upset why does it feel like something’s missing-

Blood there’s blood on his hands again where did it come from maybe it’s always been there it never goes away never leaves him alone no matter how hard he tries

There’s a body shot to hell at his feet… Covered in body armor… Military? No… Doesn’t feel right… He sees the familiar symbol… Firefly. Did he do this? It has to have been him there’s no one else just him and a dead man in this fucking endless hallway…

Wait. Fireflies. There’s a memory there he can feel it-

The scene shifts so abruptly that he feels his stomach turn with it and suddenly…

Alarms blaring, shouting and footsteps pounding after them which way which fucking way he needs to get them out oh god there’s no time…

After them… He’s not alone anymore but who-

Ellie. The panic and the urgency returns ten times stronger than before that’s why he’s here he was getting her to the Fireflies and… it all went horribly wrong it wasn’t supposed to end up like this oh god she’s too light too small he barely feels her even though she’s dead weight in his arms… She’s too still why isn’t she moving shouldn’t the drugs be wearing off by now oh god just let him find a way out please please he can’t leave her in here he just needs a second he just needs one last stroke of luck just one more please he’ll never ask for anything ever again…

He’s about three seconds away from a complete breakdown they’re not gonna make it he doesn’t know where to go and they’ll kill him of course they will but he doesn’t fucking care he’s old and broken it doesn’t matter what happens to him but Ellie has to live has to make it fuck the cure fuck the Fireflies fuck Marlene she’s gotta live, dammit… it’s all his fault he should have known he should have stayed at Tommy’s with her he should have…. he should have done so many things that he didn’t he should have said so much that he didn’t but it’s always like that isn’t it hindsight is always twenty-twenty fuck if anyone’s listening upstairs he swears he’ll do it all he swears he’ll say and do everything he never got the chance to do if he can just get away from this…

But no one ever listens and if any kind of god ever existed the bastard abandoned this fucked up world ages ago and maybe this is what he gets for all the bad he’s done for all the lives he’s taken but it’s not fair Ellie never hurt anyone like he did she wanted to save the world… but at much too high a cost and now that he knows what she’d have to sacrifice there’s no way in hell... he’s running as fast as he can but with every second that passes he seems to be going slower and slower and he’s starting to realize that there’s no getting out of this alive and he looks down at the girl in his arms and… he can’t… not like this… it wasn’t supposed to end like this…

“We’re okay,” he says to her and why the fuck is he even talking to her it’s not like she can hear him to be honest he’s really trying to calm himself down because he’s fucking freaking out and he needs to stay calm because if he doesn’t he’ll make mistakes and mistakes get you killed carelessness gets you killed but he tries to keep up a façade for her even though he’s lying through his fucking teeth because everything is definitely not okay they’re fucked they’re so fucked …

Caring too much gets you killed and fuck he’s already broken that rule a hundred times over because he cares he cares way too much and way too hard and if anything happens to this girl he won’t be able to live with himself he’ll fucking die from it and he’s being so goddamn selfish but he doesn’t care doesn’t care at all because humanity doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve her if he’s learned anything it’s that humanity is past redemption and killing this selfless, impossible, wonderful girl won’t help anything why can’t they just see that-

“Drop the girl!” Fuck they’re so close so close and so fucking stupid do they honestly think he wouldn’t have let her go already if he could have but he can’t he can’t the idea of it hurts he wishes he could go back and never bring her to this deathtrap wishes they’d stayed at Tommy’s where it was safe the whole time they’ve been running to this place they’ve been running to her death they could have stayed away they could have been safe they’d have thought she was dead she would have been safe and he’s stupid so fucking stupid it’s all his fault if no when because there’s no arguing it now when things go to hell it’ll be his fault her blood is on his hands and despite all the wrongs he’s committed this will be his greatest sin failing to protect this girl will be what damns him and he’ll welcome it how can he live with himself when-

Fuck another dead end he doesn’t know where to go oh god please he just needs more time just give him more time please and he tightens his arms around her because he doesn’t want to let go please they’ve both lost so much just let them keep-

Fireflies. So many of them where the hell are they coming from oh god oh god he doesn’t have enough ammo he doesn’t have enough anything they’re blocking the exit and he can’t fight and keep a hold on Ellie at the same time fuck please leave her alone just leave her alone she hasn’t done anything wrong she’s not some fucking lab rat you can’t do this you can’t and suddenly they’re swarming him and he’s trying to fight back but he fucking can’t something hits him in the head and his vision is swimming and someone’s pulling her out of his arms oh god oh god no this can’t be happening and he feels so fucking cold and so fucking alone without her oh god no-

“Let her go!” He finally finds his voice and he’s fucking screaming his head off he doesn’t care if he looks desperate or pathetic he just needs her back please he has to get her back oh god no Ellie come back please-

Someone shoves him to the ground and he tries to get up but there’s a boot on his chest and he’s staring down the barrel of a gun but he doesn’t fucking care he’s dead he knows he’s dead that’s fine that’s fine just let her go let her go please she’s done nothing wrong she’s everything you can’t do this she’s everything to me-

 “Ellie! No!” And she’s getting farther and farther away from him and the guilt is crushing him he did this he led her here this is his fault his fault she’s gonna die and it’s all his fucking fault he fucking deserves to die I’m sorry I’m so sorry please forgive me God forgive me what have I done

He can’t see her anymore she’s gone she’s gone and he feels empty he doesn’t feel anything at all it’s like she’s taken all of him with her and he flashes back to their conversation not all that long ago –but fuck, it feels like years it feels like he’s been running forever and maybe he has been- when he swore he wouldn’t leave without her and he stars at the gun aimed straight at his head and he can’t help but feel relief that he can at least keep his last promise to her he isn’t going anywhere and if there’s something after all this maybe he can see her again fuck he hopes so-

From what feels like very far away he hears the safety on the gun click off and he looks up at the man about to kill him and he swears he sees his own reflection looking back at him and if he had anything at all left inside he might laugh at that but instead

he thinks of green eyes and terrible jokes and bravery and

the gun

fires

**********************************************

 He wakes up with a shout caught in his throat. He swallows it down, tries to even out his breathing but it’s harder than it should be. He wants to scream or shoot something or fucking cry. His hand reaches out on instinct, expecting it to be met by a smaller, softer one. There’s nothing but empty air and the cold, gaping feeling from his nightmare returns. Panic clutches him, his gut churning so hard he thinks he might end up physically being sick. Where is she oh god it was only a dream wasn’t it there’s no way it was real where is she-

 “Bad dream, brother?” Joel looks up, sees Tommy sitting against a tree, shotgun across his lap and a more than slightly concerned look on his face. Joel stares at his brother with blank confusion for a moment, for a moment not entirely sure where –or when- he is. He takes in his surroundings -the low-burning campfire and the sleeping bags nestled around it, the dark outlines of trees against the night sky-, trying to reason with himself. This isn’t Salt Lake City. He’s not running for his life or Ellie’s. He’s in Jackson, and this is just a routine hunting trip. Tommy wanted to stock up early for winter, while there was still enough game. They went out a little farther than usual so they stayed the night. That’s all. It’s fine. He’s fine. Ellie’s safe at home, she’s okay, she’s not…

“Yeah,” Joel mutters a little hoarsely, forcing the onslaught of horrible memories out of his mind. “Just a bad dream.” He clenches his outstretched hand briefly, allowing himself a moment to acknowledge the emptiness and the ache it sets off in his chest, before forcing himself to move it back. He sees Tommy observe the movement, but thankfully, his little brother doesn’t say anything about it. Joel sits up, scrubbing his face with his hand. “Fuck,” he mutters. He definitely wasn’t expecting that one. He feels a slight tremor run through his hand, and realizes he’s shaking all over. He curses under his breath and tries to regain his composure. He feels like a raw nerve, exposed and vulnerable. He tries to move his legs, to stand up or make some other movement, but all his body seems to know how to do is shake.

“Joel…” Tommy begins, voice hesitant. Joel can feel the concern radiating from the younger man and while he knows he should be grateful, all he feels is irritation.

“Forget it,” he snaps, possibly a little harsher than is totally necessary. “It was nothin’.” Even though Tommy knows nightmares, knows Joel’s nightmares, a hell of a lot better than most, the last thing he wants to do is spill his guts to his baby brother. Even if he did, he’s not sure he could. Tommy may know what happened at the hospital, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be able to understand what it had been like, how close Joel had been to losing everything. If Ellie was around… But she ain’t, he reminds himself harshly.

He shouldn’t be relying on a teenage girl as his safety blanket, anyways. He handled himself –arguably not all that well, but he managed- for twenty years before she came along. He can handle one night. At least, he tries to convince himself as much. If he can’t manage one night away… what does that say about him? That he’s entirely dependent on a girl a third of his age in order to feel safe enough to rest? That thought is nearly as terrifying as his nightmare. He’s never depended on anyone. He’s sure as hell not gonna start now. Though, he admits as the tremors worsen, it might be a little late in the game for that kinda decision.

“Didn’t sound like nothin’,” Tommy says, breaking through his thoughts. Joel shoots him a warning look. His little brother raises his hands in a pacifying gesture. “I’m just sayin’. You never had ‘em this bad before…” He trails off. Things between the brothers are better than they’ve been in a long time, but they’ve come to a silent agreement not to discuss their shared pasts.

Still, Joel has to admit that he’s right. His nightmares have worsened steadily as the years have worn on. They come more erratically now, and not in the constant stream of the early years of the Outbreak, but they haven’t lost their brutality. If anything, they’ve gotten worse. It’s no surprise to him that his little brother finds them unsettling, but Joel’s learned to live with them.

Ellie’s dreams, on the other hand… those are different. Worse. He’s seized with a sudden panic. What if she has a nightmare tonight? He won’t be there to talk her down, to hold her… What if she hurts herself again, only worse this time? He thinks of her waking up in empty darkness and sobbing and… his heart clenches. He stares out ahead, the treeline visible in the moonlight. He wonders if he’d be able to make it back to town before dawn, or if he’d just get his ass lost. He wracks his brain, but he doesn’t even remember what direction they came in from. He admits defeat with a heavy sigh. He’s not going anywhere just yet.

“Yeah, well… things have changed,” Joel mutters in response to his brother’s concern. And it’s the truth. His nightmares way back when used to focus on different scenarios, sometimes remembered and sometimes the product of his twisted subconscious, but now they’re always the same. Always… Ellie. Sometimes she runs from him, sometimes she dies, and… and then there are the ones where he pulls the trigger. The ones that make him wake up dry heaving and nearly apoplectic. Naturally, they come around the most often, but she’s always there when he wakes up. Patient with his half-hysterical ramblings and quick to reassure him she’s okay, she’s alive, she’s right here beside him, it was just a dream. It feels wrong without her now. Like he’s missing a vital part of himself. He clenches his hand again, hard enough that he feels bones creak.

“You miss her, don’t you?” Tommy asks gently, like he’s talking to a fucking scared little kid, and though the sympathy in his tone is genuine, Joel still feels a flare of irritation. He hates being that transparent, that obvious. He shouldn’t miss her. At all. He’s a grown-ass man and Ellie is not his teddy bear, dammit. But he does, he misses her so much it’s a physical ache and he just needs to know that she’s okay, that she’s safe.

He wants to hear her voice and groan at the stupid jokes she cracks to make him feel better and listen to her read whatever book she’s gotten her hands on now, and pretend to be annoyed at how she takes up most of his cot when she ends up falling asleep on it, when he’s actually starting to think he won’t be able to sleep without it and… fuck. He just really wants to see her. He scrubs his face again, but all he can see is Ellie being taken from his arms, taken to that fucking operating table to be sliced into and-

He sucks in a breath to calm himself. Ellie is fine. So is he. Come morning, he’ll see her again and tonight won’t even cross his mind. He hopes.

He grunts a vaguely affirmative sound in response to his brother’s question, refusing to dignify it with a verbal answer… mostly because he’s not confidant he can keep his voice steady.

“There ain’t no shame in it, you know,” Tommy says gently. There’s something in his tone that makes Joel glance up. His brother’s expression is kind, but there’s a knowing look there that’s a bit sharper than Joel would like. There’s a moment of quiet tension between the two brothers, but it doesn’t go beyond that. Tommy offers him a small smile, breaking whatever the hell that was, and shakes his head. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, brother. You’ll figure it out.” There’s another beat of silence where Joel regards his younger brother with something not unlike suspicion. Tommy stares back steadily, expression unreadable, before breaking the contact. Strangely, Joel doesn’t feel like he’s won anything. Much the opposite, actually.

Tommy stands abruptly, startling the hell out of Joel. “Need me to take watch?” he offers, eager to change the subject and ease the uncertainty that twists his gut. Tommy shakes his head.

“Naw. Harley’s on last, and I ain’t lettin’ his lazy ass sleep in.” His tone attempts at levity, and Joel, grateful that his brother doesn’t press the previous subject anymore, goes along with it and huffs a laugh. Tommy goes off to wake the other man up, and Joel realizes it must already be last watch. Dawn should be on its way soon and for that he feels no small amount of relief. Still, he feels an itch under his skin to get away, to be alone. He hasn’t felt it in a long time, not since… not since Ellie, and he’s inclined to obey. On a rational level, he knows he should stay with the group. Wandering off into the dark, alone and jittery and still half-asleep, is a rookie mistake. He gets up anyways, slipping off as quickly and quietly as he can before his brother can notice and raise all sorts of unholy racket about it.

He makes sure to take note of where he’s actually going at first, but after a while he just falls into the rhythm of his feet on the ground and the sounds that always manage to permeate the silence of the forest. He’s only going in a straight line, anyways, and the moon’s large enough tonight to light his way. He’s not likely to get lost. If things get hairy, he has his revolver on him. He just needs a few moments of space, of quiet. Besides, it’s hardly the first time. He used to wander off a lot, back in Boston. Not as much with Tommy, because back then life was even more uncertain than usual and he didn’t have the luxury of running off whenever the hell he felt like it. After his brother went Firefly, though, he’d taken to doing it a lot. Tess had always found it a bit strange, but she’d never been bothered by it. As long as he didn’t get shot or fuck up a cargo run, she didn’t question him.

He smiles slightly, a sad quirk of the lips that probably looks more like a grimace than anything else. He usually doesn’t allow himself to miss her, to miss anyone he’s lost because that opens him up to a whole world of hurt, but he just doesn’t have the energy to fight it tonight. The memories will come if they want to. And hell, do they want to.

 _This is fucking real, Joel_. He flinches at the words as they ring through his head. She’d believed in the cure, too. He wonders if she’d understand. If she had lived, would she have let him save Ellie? Hell, would he even have thought to save her if Tess was still with them? The answer to that is immediate, almost instinctual. Of course he would have. There’s no version of this where he’d let her die without batting an eye. Tess, though… Tess would have thought it par for the course. She hadn’t thought twice about sacrificing herself, he reasons. If she’d been there… it would have gotten messier than it already was.

His gut feels heavy, sick with guilt and grief. There’s a reason he doesn’t think about these things; why he’d go off on Ellie when she used to try to talk about the dead. It’s been a while since he’s fit into anyone’s definition of ‘good’. He _knows_ that. He doesn’t need the constant reminder of everyone he’s failed beating him over the head every waking moment. And god, it’s one hell of a list; Tommy- even if his little brother is still breathing, there was some real damage done- and Tess, even though she was supposed to be safe, damn her, he thought he could trust her to hold her own because god knows he was fucking sick of being left behind to choke his grief down and she was supposed to be safe, _dammit Tess_ … and even before that… before he’d racked up a body count any serial killer would envy, before he’d deserved to lose anyone –because now that he’s done these things he doesn’t deserve a goddamn thing but a bullet in his brain-, there was Sarah.

He wonders bitterly what his daughter would think of him now. If she would even recognize him. Two decades of blood and gore and slaughter have made him an entirely different man. His memories of the world before the Cordyceps –which are few and far between, he remembers less every day- seem like pieces of a dream or some cheesy lifetime movie compared to his life now. He thinks of the picture Tommy tried to give him, of the man in the photo. He’s almost entirely sure that man died with Sarah that night, leaving behind… what, exactly? What’s left of him now? What the hell has he become?

Sometimes, in the darkest corners of his mind, he wonders if some higher power was trying to spare his daughter the horror of watching her father turn into a monster as the years wore on, of living in a nightmare world that refused to recover. It may have been a mercy for her, but he can’t help but wonder if it was also his punishment in anticipation of everything he would go on to do. He holds his hands out in front of him, barely visible in the moonlight, and thinks of everything they’ve done; beaten, stolen, murdered…

No, he decides, Sarah wouldn’t recognize him now. How could she? He doesn’t even recognize himself. He swallows back the self-disgust that threatens to choke him as he counts his sins.

He lets himself wallow for a while, lets the failures convalesce into something uniform. This pain, this guilt isn’t new. It isn’t fresh. He’s lived with it for nearly half his life. At the very least, he can go through the motions. He can handle it. Better the devil you know, right? He just doesn’t want… please don’t let… there’s one last person he can’t fail, don’t make him…

He remembers. Not just the dream. Everything. Every close call he and Ellie have had. There’ve been so many… so many almost-failures that saw them escape by the skin of their teeth. Hell, maybe he’s already failed her. They never talked much about Salt Lake City after that one conversation, but sometimes… sometimes he wonders if she resents him for it. For lying, for taking her away, all of it.He doesn’t regret saving her, but the guilt of taking away that choice weighs heavy on him more often than he’ll ever admit, especially because he knows Marlene was right. Given the option, Ellie would have sacrificed herself for the ‘greater good’ or whatever the fuck she’d call it. And that… that’s something he wishes he didn’t know.

He tries to convince himself it doesn’t matter, that the girl’s had serious survivor’s guilt since her friend died and Marlene used that, twisted that to make Ellie believe her life wasn’t worth anything but the cure. Do his excuses really matter though, in the end? Most times it feels like Ellie’s out on the edge of something awful, and he’s just barely managing to hold on to her. If –when, he corrects himself, noting the thought of his own mortality isn’t the source of relief it used to be- he dies… what will happen to her?

He doesn’t have much time left, he knows. Out here in the dark, it’s easier to be honest with himself. Easier than when he’s with Ellie, when the slightest mention of the inevitable makes her shut down. They don’t talk about it because she can’t. He doesn’t blame her. He can barely think about anything happening to her. But time is definitely not on his side. Before, maybe, he would have been able to last a bit longer, but even if the Outbreak never happened he still wouldn’t be considered as being in the prime of his life. It’s only a matter of time, and if Ellie were anyone else he would definitely sit her down and make her talk about it. But she isn’t anyone else, and he’d have a hell of a time trying to make Ellie talk about something she doesn’t want to talk about. Not to mention the unspoken agreement between them that he doesn’t even want to think about…

It’s around then that he notes his head feels ridiculously heavy. Mostly because the guilt, the memories, the worries, everything begins to recede. He only ever finds any measure of peace in sleep. Distantly, he curses his own stupidity. He shouldn’t have left the campsite. Fucking moron. Summoning the energy to move feels impossible, and he can feel the lure of sleep tugging at the edges of his consciousness…

 _BANG_.

He’s pulled back to the waking world almost immediately. His ears are ringing, and it’s not until the second shot goes off that he understands why. Danger. He lurches to his feet, eyes wild and hand on his revolver. His nightmare returns with a vengeance that knocks the breath out of him, mixing with memories both real and imagined. It’s so hard to tell which is which in the dark… Ellie being torn from his arms. Ellie dying. Ellie leaving. _Swear to me… I swear_. It’s only after he gasps out raggedly that he realizes he hadn’t been breathing. His hands threaten to shake again. He clenches them into stillness as he attempts to regain some sense of reality.

His instincts seem to kick in at that point, forcing him to stop shaking like a leaf over a stupid dream when he might be in some serious shit, sending him back in the direction of camp. He moves silently, calculating the risk in every shadow, every sound. He hears shouting, hears… his name?

“Goddamit! Joel, where the fuck are you?” Joel recognizes his brother’s voice, and the note of panic in it, and moves faster. He breaks through the treeline moments later, but it seems he’s taken far too long by the look on Tommy’s face. “I swear to fucking God… son of a…” Tommy seethes as he clamps eyes on him.

“Here. What the hell’s goin’ on?” Joel’s eyes dart around the campsite. The rest of the group is up, guns drawn. “Not Infected.” He doesn’t hear anything, and there’s not enough panic in the air for it to be anything so serious.

“Cougar.” Tommy nods to his right. Joel’s eyes settle on a crumpled heap, too far from the fire to see properly. “Must’ve smelled the blood from the game. Harley got it ‘fore it got too close, but we figured there might be more out in the woods and you’d fucked off to God-knows-where and… Jesus, Joel. I’d have gone after you but I thought you wanted to be alone… I don’t think I’ve ever regretted anything as much as I regretted that decision just now. I was already plannin’ what I’d have to say to Ellie when we got back.” The younger man runs a hand over his face, breathing deeply to collect himself. “You sit your ass down. We’re havin’ a talk.” Any other time, Joel likely would have told his brother to fuck right off. But it’s been a hard night. He sits his ass down. “The rest of you, get some rest. You too, Harley. We’ll keep an eye out.”

“Sweet,” the other man says, voice shaky despite his light-hearted tone. The other two hardly look any better off, but they follow Tommy’s directions anyways. Joel shakes his head, bemused. He still hasn’t gotten used to Tommy as any sort of authority figure. His brother hits the ground beside him and sighs deeply.

“That was fuckin’ stupid,” he deadpans. Joel snorts.

“I reckon so. Still needed doin’, though. Stupid or not.”

Tommy levels him with a disapproving stare. “D’you have any idea how lucky you were? I thought you were smarter than this, at least. Why the hell would you pull a stunt like that?” His question is met with silence. Tommy doesn’t seem surprised in the slightest. “Lemme guess. The dream, right?” Joel shifts uncomfortably. “’Course. I’d wondered how you’d hold up without Ellie ‘round to keep you marginally sane. Not well, I guess.” He huffs something close to a laugh before sobering up. “You want to know she’s safe. You want her with you. But doin’ stupid shit that could get you killed won’t help anythin’. It would just kill her if you got hurt, Joel. You know that.” There’s a pause, and the next words would almost be bitter, coming from anyone else. “Lord knows that’s the only incentive worth anythin’ to you anymore.” Tommy hesitates, obviously expecting a response. Joel grinds his jaw, suddenly feeling entirely too fed up with being psychoanalyzed. Tommy either doesn’t notice the fuse lighting, or he doesn’t care. “I get it, alright? I really do, brother.”

Joel’s posture goes rigid, threatening. Tommy, to his credit, doesn’t move an inch. “No,” Joel growls, voice low enough as to not carry to the rest of the group. “You really don’t. You have no fuckin’ _idea_ , and I’d appreciate it if you stopped actin’ like you did.”

His little brother seems entirely unimpressed with his display, not even flinching. “I do, actually. I know how you feel’s enough to turn your head and make you stupid. I know she’s gonna get you killed,” he retorts, voice equally harsh.

Joel stares at him incredulously, shocked at the turn in the conversation. “What the hell are you on ‘bout? Ellie’s saved my sorry ass more times than I can count.”

Tommy fixes him with another too-knowing look. “That ain’t what I mean and you know it. I reckon I can understand the worryin’ and the fussin’ you do over her. That’s just your nature. Hell, it don’t even bother me all that much when you nearly shoot any poor bastard who so much as sneezes in her direction; which you do, don’t you dare deny it.” He doesn’t. “But now you can’t even _sleep_ without her, Joel. Or maybe it’s been like that for a while. Hell if I know what goes on in either of your heads. I thought I knew how you ticked, but I ain’T ever seen you like this. And I’m worried. It’s dangerous, brother. You, of all people, know how dangerous it is.”

The fact that Tommy’s right –and he is, too spot on for his own goddamn good- does little to dampen the irritation in Joel’s stomach. “Payin’ a little too much mind to your townsfolk, little brother?” He’s not entirely sure if he’s really accusing the younger man or if he’s just bullshitting for the sake of his pride.

Tommy’s face falls. It’s only for a moment, but it’s enough to make Joel feel an ounce of regret. “Don’t,” he says quietly. “This ain’t got nothin’ to do with them. This is about you and your girl and the world we live in. ‘Specially given,” he pauses briefly, discreetly glancing over at the occupied sleeping bags and lowering his voice, “Ellie’s… special circumstances. She’ll always have that target painted on her back, no matter how hard you try to protect her. Don’t get me wrong, I consider Ellie as part of my family now, I ain’t sayin’ anythin’ against her. And I ain’t lookin’ for you to throw your humanity out the fuckin’ window again. I just… I wish you’d rediscovered it with someone who’s a little healthier for you. For the _both_ of you. ‘Cause at the rate you’re goin’… if somethin’ bad happens, which is pretty damn likely, you’re both goin’ down. And it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

For a long stretch of time, only the crackling of the dying fire can be heard. Joel stares fixedly into the fading flames, face unreadable.  “You’re not wrong,” he acknowledges finally. He can feel Tommy’s incredulous stare burning into his skin. He decides to backtrack a bit, explain himself. “I used to wait, you know. For somethin’, _anythin’_. A bullet, a Runner who was just a bit too fast, a fuckin’ bolt of lightning from the heavens… anythin’ to strike me down.” He gives a self-deprecating chuckle. “Twenty years is a long time to wait for some relief. And then, out of nowhere, Ellie crashes into my life and all the other shit stops matterin’.” He wants to stop the big, stupid smile that crawls across his face, but he can’t. “I figured, here’s my chance. I’ve screwed up everythin’ else, but maybe I can get this right. Maybe I can do right by her.” His smile falters. “But the longer she’s with me, the more I start to wonder if it’s a punishment. If she’s gonna be ripped away from me the second I let my guard down.” He finally looks at his brother. “I know there’s no version of this that has a happy endin’, alright? Even if we get a few years of peace in town… It ain’t forever. God willin’, I’ll die first,” he mutters.

“And leave us with Ellie? Probably outta her mind missin’ you and volatile as all hell? Great. Much appreciated,” Tommy mutters.

“Still easier to deal with than I’d be,” Joel points out with the morbid sort of humor that can only come from facing death a few times too many. Tommy grimaces and concedes the point. “You’ll look after her for me, won’t you?” Joel asks after a few beats of comfortable silence.

Tommy exhales deeply. “Joel, don’t do this to yourself. You’ve got time, brother. You ain’t that old. There’s time left. I swear I’ll even get Doc on it if I have to. We’ll buy you more time, if it comes to that.” Joel nods once in acknowledgement of his brother’s kindness, pointedly refraining from pointing out all the flaws in that plan, but doesn’t speak. When it becomes apparent that he’s required to answer, Tommy smiles sadly. “What kinda stupid question is that? ‘Course I’ll look after her. As much as she’ll let me, at least.”

“Even if she doesn’t want you to,” Joel persists.

Tommy clamps a hand on his shoulder, face deadly serious. “Brother, I swear to you I’ll look after her ‘til my dyin’ breath, if it comes to that. You’ve got enough on your plate. Don’t even worry about that. If you leave us-”

“When,” Joel corrects. Tommy shoots him a dirty look.

“ _If_ you leave us,” he continues with a brand of little brother stubbornness Joel remembers well from their childhood, “and leave Ellie behind, I’ll make sure she doesn’t want for anythin’. You have my word.”

 “Thank you,” Joel tells him sincerely. If nothing else, he knows Ellie won’t be alone when he kicks the bucket. That’s something.

The younger man shrugs. “What’re brothers for? Now can we just… not discuss this anymore? You’re a giant pain in the ass, but… you’re the only family I’ve got left. I’d rather not think ‘bout havin’ to bury you.”

“Fair enough,” Joel agrees. It’s not exactly his favourite topic of conversation, either. The silence between them stretches longer this time, and Joel’s nearly dozing off again when Tommy speaks up.

“What was it about this time? The dream?” he asks quietly. “You were mutterin’ Ellie’s name, so I can gather it was somethin’ ‘bout her. Somethin’ bad, I figure, from the way you woke up hollerin’.”

“Fireflies,” Joel mutters after a moment’s hesitation. “Back at the hospital. They got her. Pulled her right outta my arms.”  

Tommy lets out a low whistle. “You were kickin’ up one hell of a fuss; I reckon that’d be enough to do it.” Joel sits up, face shaded with concern.

“I didn’t… I didn’t say anythin’, did I? ‘Bout…”He trails off, voice low with disquiet. He gestures vaguely, indicating the topic they’re on.

 Tommy backtracks hurriedly. “No, no. Nothin’ ‘bout... that. No one else heard a thing, I swear. Even if they had, they wouldn’t be able to figure anythin’ more than you missin’ your girl. Ain’t exactly surprisin’, that.”

Joel sighs quietly in relief, tension bleeding slowly out of him. “Good. That woulda been… unfortunate.”

Tommy stares at him for a long moment, mouth twitching slightly. “I reckon so,” he agrees. There’s a heavy pause where Joel feels the weight of his brother’s gaze. “You really would, wouldn’t you?” Tommy mutters, voice filled with a strange combination of wonder and horror. Joel inclines his head slightly, refusing to raise his eyes to meet his brother’s. “A man’s gotta wonder, brother, if that girl knows how far you’d go for ‘er.”

“She knows,” Joel assures him, tone tinged with bitterness. “She sure as hell doesn’t approve, but she knows.”

“I’m guessin’ she didn’t take your Firefly massacre all that well?” Tommy offers.

“I’d say that’s a bit of an understatement,” Joel replies quietly. He clenches his hand into a fist, bounces it on the ground once, twice, three times as he thinks.

“Joel?” Tommy nudges him, concern coloring his voice at his brother’s sudden silence.

“She wanted to save the world. She really did. And none of that idealistic, pray for world peace shit, either. She was in it for the long haul. She was ready to give up everythin’. And I destroyed it. All of it. I figure she’s gonna hate me for it eventually, if she doesn’t already. But I don’t give a damn. I can’t. I’d do it a thousand times over.” He finally looks over at Tommy. “Guess I haven’t changed all that much, have I brother? Still the same selfish bastard I was when we parted ways.”

Tommy stares blankly, obviously shocked. Then, surprisingly, he snorts. “Of course you’re still a selfish bastard. But I reckon Ellie knows that, better than most.  She doesn’t hate you, Joel. I don’t think she’s capable. That girl loves you, brother. More than anythin’.”

“It’s a mighty fine line,” Joel notes grimly.

Tommy sighs. “Fine. Let’s do this your way. Say she does hate you. Say she thinks you’re the worst sort of monster to ever walk the planet. Then what? She’s got no family, nowhere to go. She ain’t stupid, so she won’t try and do it alone. Even if you’re right, brother, you’re still all she has left. She’s not gonna leave you.”

Joel makes a noise that’s just a bit too similar to a growl. “Is that supposed to reassure me?” he grinds out through gritted teeth. “That she’s _stuck_ with me? That I’m her only goddamn option? Is that supposed to be comfortin’? Dammit, I don’t own her! She’s not my fucking pet, she’s not anythin’ that I can keep, she’s not _mine_.” He just barely has the presence of mind to keep his voice down. “I don’t want her to stay because she has to,” he mutters finally, voice broken.

The fire splutters once, briefly, before dying completely. Dawn is breaking. They need to get moving.

Tommy, who’s smart enough to understand the outburst wasn’t about him at all, offers some sound advice as he begins to pack up.

“Then give her somethin’ worth stayin’ for.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Guess who's back? Hello my darlings. I have returned with a ridiculously large, re-edited chapter. Um. It's late. I'm tired. Posting this before I change my mind and give up. This was… surprisingly draining. So, not huge AN. I love you all. Thanks for the patience. Hopefully, we'll talk soon. Naught Dog own the characters. I just kidnap them occasionally, let them run wild, and write down what ensues. Adios!


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